Stevie's Spanking
Notes and Comments
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THEM OR US Stevie's Spanking Notes and Comments |
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His name is Stevie Vai, And he's a crazy guy Last November, I recall, He needed a spanking He decided then A female specimen Would be exciting for a night To give him a spanking Laurel was her name She came to Notre Dame He told me just the other day He oughta be thanking Her for the spanking |
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From: The Real Frank Zappa Book Sleeping in a Jar |
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| I couldn't tape the following story at the time it occurred (1971), but in 1987 I invited the protagonist to participate in a videotape interview. First: my version, as I remember it. | ||
| The star of STORY #2 is a girl named Laurel Fishman. (We'll use her real name because she is, in fact, proud of her accomplishments.) | ||
| She had been a regular attendee at our concerts in Chicago and other Midwestern cities int he 1960's, and in 1970 she won a contest run by a radio station in Chicago. The contest was to tell in twenty-five words or less how the Mothers of Invention had saved your life. | ||
| Her entry said that, since hearing the song "Call Any Vegetable," she had gotten in touch with her friends in the vegetable kingdom and, as a result of this, her body functions had been more regular. | ||
| The contest winner was to receive a backstage pass to our concert at the Auditorium Theater, with one guest. I didn't even know the radio station was having a contest. At the gig, the promoter told us about it, and introduced us to THE WINNER- Laurel Fishman. | ||
| She had screaming orange-red hair, and makeup out to here, and was a little bit on the pudgy side. She walked in with a guy who looked like Carl Franzoni from the early Freak Out days. | ||
| She had brought with her a 'present' for the band. It was a piece of her own shit, which looked like it had been hand-molded into a perfect sphere, sitting in a mason jar. She claimed that was exactly how it had left her body, I couldn't imagine how that could be true- I thought I saw palm prints on it. | ||
| Jim Pons, the bass player at that time, was fascinated by it. After the show, he took it with him. We got to the motel, got out of the car and were walking to the elevator. Pons couldn't stand it anymore- he had to find out if it was real. He unscrewed the lid, took a big whiff, and went "OOOhhh my God!" It wound up in the trash can jsut outside the elevator in the motel. | ||
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Stuff Up The Cracks |
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| In 1981, on one of Steve Vai's early tours, we were playing at Notre Dame University, and Laurel Fishman showed up. By some twist of fate, Steve wound up with Laurel in his motel room. They engaged in a variety of practices involving a hairbrush, and Steve drooling on his own dork while she jerked him off. (I got the whole catalogue of events the next morning during 'Breakfast Report.') | ||
| Since I'd known Laurel for years, and since she was being 'commemorated' in this 'folk song,' (Stevie's Spanking) I thought that I should at least let her know what I was writing- and that if she had any objections, she should state them. | ||
| Not only did she not have any objections- she thought it was a good idea. She wrote out a release, in longhand, along with a list of all of the different objects she had been 'penetrated' with by Mr. Vai (e.g., parts of guitars, assorted vegetables and the drummer's umbrella). | ||
| Frank: | ||
| I think that you should say a few words- just philosophically about- you know- your attraction to inanimate objects. | ||
| Laurel: | ||
| Well, they do fulfill a need- I don't know how it began, really, or why I have this attraction; but I feel that many inanimate objects- sometimes common household objects or members of the vegetable or- well, I won't say animal- or fruit-kingdom- (but that didn't sound right, so 'animal kingdom' certainly doesn't sound right. In fact, children and animals is where I draw the line.) However, many objects can be very gratifying objects of fulfillment- and I think that's what you wanted to know? | ||
| Frank: | ||
| Yeah. Right. I mean, that's fairly obvious- you'd be seeking 'fulfillment,' or you wouldn't be stuffing yourself with these things. | ||
| Laurel: | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Frank: | ||
| Okay. But let's say- you never can tell where this videotape will be on the air, or who will be watching; and they might not have tried stuffing themselves with any doodads yet, and you might want to give them the 'benefit of your experience.' | ||
| Laurel: | ||
| Well, all I can say is: it's worth trying once- and I mean- surely there's some 'object' lying around the house that all of us have felt some sort of attraction to at one time or another. Maybe it's that spatula you've been looking at for years now- or maybe it's a hammer (actually, one of my favorite objects was a black rubber-handled hammer)- and these are fairly common objects that people use every day of the week- and every once in a while, I'll see a particularly attractive male carrying one of these, and I kind of have to hold myself back. | ||
| Frank: | ||
| Nudge, nudge- wink, wink | ||
| Laurel: | ||
| But anything will do, really- I mean, I've had many enjoyable afternoons in the grocery store that have resulted in enjoyable evenings. | ||
| Frank: | ||
| Now, considering that you tried to convince us that you have 'personal machinery' that is capable of delivering a payload of that magnitude, and, theoretically (nature being what it is), people want to have a good time, if you're really equipped with that- (how can I put this discreetly?)- if you can plop a big 'thing' out like that, then maybe the problems involved in putting other 'things' in (for amusement purposes) are compounded by the geometry involved- which might have led you, at one point or another in your life, to adopt 'certain practices' which Christians may find 'unique.' | ||
| Laurel: | ||
| Or anybody, for that matter. | ||
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| That list [of objects she had been 'penetrated' with with by Mr. Vai] can also be heard in "Church Chat" from YCDTOSA vol. 4: | ||
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This boy not only fucked somebody with his organ... But he also fucked a girl with a guitar... With an umbrella... With a zucchini... With a zucchini... With a shoe... With an enema bag... What else'd you do? (A vibrato bar...) A vibrato bar! |
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Provocation, compilation and design © Vladimir Sovetov, 1994-2004 You could download, copy and redistribute this material freely as long as you keep copyright notice intact and don't make any profite on it. |